Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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