yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
