if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am naked and annoyed.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
