only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
