my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
