I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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