woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
