i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
