Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
