As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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