I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
