omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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