Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
