You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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