took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
