Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Success! We fucked roommates!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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