And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
