Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
