I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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