Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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