Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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