What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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