I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
