If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
