Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
