don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
