just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
