Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
