Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
