hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
