Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
