Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
