god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize