My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
