Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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