I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
