I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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