The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
