The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
