My hand turned me down
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
