Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
