I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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