My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We had to coat check the pizza.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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