he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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