If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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