I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
