just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
