I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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