Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
