I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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